The loneliness!

I feel abandoned.

In this very moment I feel as though all my friends have forsaken me. Every time they call me to keep them company I'm always jumping up to go see them. No one comes to see me and that hurts. Maybe I'm just not as cool as I thought I was. Here's what irks me too, I have to hear through other people about a project my friends are doing, so clearly if they didn't come to me and ask me then that means they don't want me to be a part of it right? Maybe they see I have nothing to offer and I would waste their time. People say I'm creative all the time and when they are doing creative things they don't want me a part of it. They say they love my band but when they put on shows they don't book us. They say I'm so fun to be around but they don't want to hang out with me. I don't get this bullshit.

Here's the thing and now I'm about to sound a little racist and believe me Im not but this is just how I feel sometimes because of what Ive seen, and this is my life so calm down. When I first moved here I was meeting people and trying to find my niche. I'm all about indie, retro, punk, funk, rock everything and I go to these places where the majority of the people are white. I start conversations trying to be social and I didn't get the time of day from so many people. So I'm like "WTF I'M THE SHIT BITCH, YOU'LL SEE!" I finally meet this white girl that I like hanging with and the same people that wouldn't give me the time of day are talking to me now. I bet you if I didn't have a white friend by my side going out nobody would give me the time of day. I don't even know why its so hard to have black friends down here in Florida. Maybe I'm too white for the blacks and to black for the whites and the fact that I'm a plus size chick with dreads and I dress weirdly nice, I get judged instantly and nobody really knows how to read me.

I could be wrong...

Let check this scenerio...I met this couple they're white with dreads and we hang out on occasions only when I'm with my white home girl. So they came to my house yesterday and pick up my roomie who is a white girl with dreads to go spend the day together. Now we all know each other and everyone has the day off and we're supposedly "friends" no one said "hey wat are you doing? you wanna hangout?" They just left. They didnt want to hang with me, point taken. So how am I suppose to feel about that? your answer goes here->
Exactly....This is how I see it, either you don't want to hang with me because you don't like me or you don't want to hang with me because you don't like me. Simple.

Here's another situation for ya...Places I tell my friends I want to go, they go with other people and they have the nerves to be all excited and rubbing in my face about we went this place and that place and did all this and that. Here it comes "Oh i forgot you said you wanted to go there." NO BITCH I GAVE YOU THE IDEA HOE! Sorry I just get mad at bullshit situations...I love my friends sometime I just gotta get gangsta, not all the time.

One more thing that bothers me is when your "friend" is having a party and your other friend tells you your friend that you hang with and talk to ALL the time is having a party, doesn't that mean you weren't invited? Why do I always have to be the one not asked directly? There's clearly something I lack that's why these people don't want to be around me.

I miss home!

I may be stuck in between 2 worlds but the feeling of loneliness is the same where ever the I choose to stay or not stay.

I don't get it!

~ciao.bless~